What is a dating relationship like for a jewish teenager?
My bible study is researching different cultures and how the teenagers date. So if you are a jewish teenager, tell me the general area in which you live, and how you date, and what kinds of restrictions you have. And include anything else that I might find interesting.
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Are you serious? How does Jew teenage dating behaviour relate to Bible study?? lol.
jewish dating
Most Jews are not religious, and their relationships are like most teenagers.
The religious ones do a process called Shidukhim (lit. Matches) where matches are proposed, they meet that person for several hours after they are screened by the family, then if they like them, they go out 4 to 8 times for a few hours each visit (all of this is in either a public place like a restraunt or hotel lobby, or in the home of a relative), then they get engaged or break it off and begin looking again.
jewish dating
The gentleman above me had it almost 100% correct.
To add more details: There are people called Shadkhanim who keep files or just try to remember lots and lots of young people who come to them looking for spouses. They may do this as a side hobby, or as a job.
When you go to one, they ask you all about yourself and family background, then they ask you what you are looking for in a spouse. I’ve worked as a shadkhan, and will tell you what you say you want is ignored. It’s usually not really what you want, but it is a useful description of how you see yourself.
When a match sweems good, the shadkhan calls both families, if they agree it sounds good they discuss back and forth things that are important to them. If everything is okay on that front, the families then ask around and investigate each other. If everything is okay, the children are “red di shidikh” which is yiddish for “Read the match.” If they like what they hear they meat, as the gentleman above said.
Lithuanian Jews tend to meat in hotel lobbies for the first meating, then restraunts or fun activities later. Chasidim and Hungarians usually meet in a house and may go on a walk on later dates.
On the dates they discuss plans for the future and goals in life, as well as friendly small talk. They do not touch or joke about personal things.
When they are engaged, the engagement will last a month or two for Lithuanians, with the future spouses meating still about once a week or once every two weeks. In Chasidic families customs differ, but it’s not uncommon for them to seperate for a year after engagement and not to have contact except an ocassional letter around holidays.
When they get married, both sides of the wedding reward the shadkhan with a gift called shadkhanis. The custom is that it will be between 1,000 and 1,300 dollars from each side. I always set my fee at 1% of the wedding costs from either side, that way poor people pay what they can afford.
In old families and important Rabbinical families, there is a different custom where the parents pick the spouse for the children. Usually the girl will have heard of the boy’s reputation, as this custom is restricted to famous Rabbinical families and families renowned for piety. It is also likely they are related, often as close as first cousins, or double cousins. The current Grand Rabbi of Satmar was married this way to his cousin. His father had married his cousin as well, on the same side. (DOn’t worry about birth defects, that family is long lived and are incredible geniuses. We should all have such “birth defects.”)
In these families, The groom holds what’s called a chusin’s tisch the night before the wedding. This is a big meal for his family and friends. The men sit at his table, and the women sit at his mother and future mother-in-laws table in another room or behind a curtain in the same room.
At some point a crowd of hyper young women pull the hyper young bride through the room the chasin is siiting to get to the room the other table is in. At that point some member of the family points them out to each other. This is there chance to say no. Usually, to be honest, he can’t really see her because he can’t figure out which one is her. She sees him, as he’s dressed distinctively.
There’s also a change in custom at these weddings from other Jewish weddings. Normally in Jewish weddings there’s a ceremony called b’dekin, where the groom comes into a room where the bride is sitting. Makes sure she’s the one he’s expecting to marry, then pulls the veil over her face and moves out to where the wedding will be held to wait for her. This is to make sure nobody pulls the Rachel-Leah switcheroo from the Bible. In the weddings of the people we discussed, the groom does not do this part, rather an elderly relative acts as his representative.
According to R’ Moshe Feinstein, an important legal decisor in Judaism, this type of match making is the authentic custom of the Jewish people, and the normal way is a modern compromise to people’s fears and worries.